17 Little Known Ultralight Backpacking Tips That Will Save You Pounds (and money) on the Trail
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Everyone knows the classic ways to save weight on the trail. Methods like cutting down your Big Three, buying new ultralight gear and modifying your pack are effective methods to save important ounces and pounds. Unfortunately, these methods are often expensive, especially because gear companies love to charge oodles of money for ultralight backpacking gear. It is no secret that I’m both cheap, and poor, and I can’t possibly afford to deck out my kit with expensive products all rendered from dyneema. Fortunately for you, I’ve compiled this list of simple ultralight backpacking tips to minimize your pack weight, and the good news is that they fit well into the budgets of frugal hikers like myself.
Disclaimer: These Ultralight Backpacking Tips are meant for Entertainment purposes only, and are not meant to be taken seriously. The application of any of this information in a backcountry setting may result in injury, dismemberment, or death. The author is not responsible for any injuries resulting from the use of any information in this article.
1. Instead hucking around hand sanitizer, just use your lighter to sanitize your hands.
Hand Sanitation is important. Without it, all of us outdoorsy folks would be getting sick all the time, and then going outside would be even less enjoyable than it already is. Most of us just purchase a liquid, alcohol based hand sanitizer, and throw it in our kits. This solution certainly gets the job done, but it turns out that it is not entirely necessary.
Our butane lighters are an invaluable part of our gear. Simple, cheap lighters can be used for everything from cooking, to starting campfires, to lighting off the traditional firecracker in the alpine. Recently, our scientists, after hours toiling in the lab, (read: me, watching an episode of Cosmos) have found a new application for your lighter that will save pack weight and bulk. Fire, as it turns out, is just as effective at sanitizing as traditional hand sanitizer. This means that you can use your lighter to clean your hands. Simply apply the lighter’s flame directly to the bare skin of your hand, and watch the germs get burned away. You’ll know it’s working when you catch a wiff of cooking meat, and your hand goes numb. Don’t get too excited though! That’s just the fire doing it’s job.
Ultralight backpacking tips of the fire variety will likely require some getting used to. I suggest exposing yourself to small heated objects, and work your way up to a lighter. Other options are to submerge your hands in boiling water.
Weight Savings: A few Ounces
2. Get Rid Of Your Heavy Rain Layer by Smothering Yourself in Oil.
When the weather turns sour, many of us will throw on a rain layer and call it a day. This is all well and good, but with a little more creativity, you can leave your rain layer at home. Simply smother yourself in the oil of your choice, and watch as the rain repels from your glistening body. Carrying extra oil also provides you with a calorie dense food source, and all of the purported health benefits that come with it! Don’t worry about the type of oil, as any lipid will have hydrophobic properties. Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Motor Oil, and even KY Jelly are all viable options. Simply choose the oil that best fits your budget (and style).
Weight Savings: Several
3. Cut Extra Weight by Removing All Of Your Sleeves.
Show off those guns, and save weight by cutting off all the sleeves from your gear. Trust me, you really don’t need sleeves. As long as your core is warm, sleeves are merely a weighty accessory. Bonus points for scaring off the Giardia with your well developed triceps. This is easily the sexiest of my ultralight backpacking tips.
Weight Savings: Who Cares? You sexy beast.
4. Forget Those Heavy Water Bottles and Carry Your Water in a Plastic Shopping Bag
Plastic Shopping bags are cheap, light, and easily replaceable. By contrast, Nalgene water bottles are heavy, shatter easily, and expensive. To me, the choice is obvious. Show off your superior taste in brands with bags from Walmart, Target, Best Buy, or your favorite vendor of consumer goods. To drink, simply use a straw to suck the liquids out of your drink bag. Think of it as an ultralight camelback. Unfortunately, the one drawback is that you can’t show off how cool you are by covering your drink bag in stickers, like you could on a Nalgene.
Weight Savings: A few ounces, and some stickers.
5. Why Use a First Aid Kits When You Can Just Ignore The Pain?
Let’s just make this clear. First aid kits are only for the weakest among us. Save the weight and bulk by relying on your sheer force of will. The concept of mind over matter exists for a reason, and that reason is to cull the herd of weak blood. As they say, pain is simply weakness leaving the body. If you can’t take the pain, maybe you should stick with the tourists crowding the Wawona Tunnel View?
Weight Savings: Several Ounces to Pounds
6. Get Rid of Your Sunglasses Arms and Tape Them To Your Face
Sunglasses are an essential piece of gear. They block harmful UV rays, and keep you from contorting your face into an uncomfortable, unsightly squint. The responsible adventurer never leaves home without them. Plus, they make you look cool.
As it turns out, with a few modifications you can save weight on this already lightweight piece of gear. All you need is some elbow grease, and common duct tape. The steps are simple: 1) Snap off sunglass arms, and 2) Tape to face, so that it covers our eyes. In addition to weight, save time and energy by not having to ever remove your eyewear.
Weight Savings: About 7
7. Cut Back On Food Weight By Becoming Obese Prior To The Start of Your Trip
This is an old school ultralighter tip that has fallen out of vogue in light of 21st century health fads. Before you start on your epic, 3,000 mile thru hike, just load up on your favorite carb rich foods, and try not to exercise. Watch as you pack on the pounds, then melt them off on your trip. You’ll be burning so much fat, you won’t need to eat food for energy. As this one man found out, you don’t need to count calories to lose weight. You’ve heard of stoveless backpacking, but have you ever considered foodless backpacking?
Weight Savings: About 20 Freeze Dried Meals
8. Drink Only Diet Soda in Lieu of Water
As we all know, diet soda is free of calories, making it the lightest variety of soft drink. Most popular brands of sodas also make a diet version, so that you are not limited to simply diet coke, or diet pepsi. The carbonated nature of the drink renders it extra buoyant, which will come in handy when ascending steep mountain passes. Diet sodas are readily available in most trail side towns, and can easily fit into a resupply bucket. Diet soda can also be used to rehydrate food, eliminating the need to use water.
Weight Savings: A Lot Of Calories
9. Train Your Natural Sense of Direction, and Forego Maps!
Every human has an ingrained natural sense of direction. All you have to do is put in the work to train it to perfection. People will look at you and go “Oh look there goes so-and-so, the human GPS! I bet he/she didn’t need to refer to a map today.” before pulling out their primitive paper map to find directions to the map store. You can accomplish this by staring at the sun every day and memorizing its position for every day of the year. For a quicker solution, have a compass surgically installed in your brain. Needless to say, it also makes for a nifty party trick.
Weight Savings: Some useless pieces of paper.
10. Shave All The Hair From Your Entire Body
Shaving all your hair makes you not only more lightweight, but much more aerodynamic. This trick has been used for years by runners and swimmers, and it’s about time it has made its way to the world of ultralight backpacking. Your hair, depending on your level of hirsute-ness, can weigh pounds! With only a razor, some cream, and maybe a few band aids, you can shave your entire body and become an elite, super lite backpacker. But don’t just throw the hair away. Donate it to an organization that makes rugs out of human body hair and gives them to victims of restless leg syndrome. You’ll not only be faster on the trail, but guilt free as well!
Weight Savings: approx. 1 sasquatch.
11. Eat Only Swiss Cheese. The Holes Make it Lighter.
If you don’t feel like going the obesity route, the next best weight saving technique is to eat only Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese, as its moniker implies, was originally developed by Swiss alpinists for its weight saving properties. This is because the holes enable the cheese to be up to 20% lighter than its non-holed counterpart. Only recently has it found its way into sandwiches. Now, it’s making a comeback in the world of ultralight backpacking.
Weight Savings: A gouda amount
12. Cut Holes in Everything
Speed holes have become a fad for a reason-they are a surefire way to reduce weight. Cut holes in everything you own to make you the lightest hiker on the trail. There is nothing you own that cannot have holes cut into it. Your rain jacket, pack, sleeping bag, water bottle, college degree, and house are all places where you can save weight by cutting a few holes. All the other hikers will look at you as the thoughtful minimalist who can get by with less, and you’ll be more than happy to brag “Yeah, I liked the the design of the nalgene, but I thought it didn’t need that extra quarter ounce.”.
Weight Savings: A trash bag full of dyneema shavings.
13. Take up Nudism
Clothes, much like first aid kits and sleeves, are unnecessary. You may feel shy at first, but when you first feel that mountain breeze grace your nether regions, any inhibitions will melt away like a glacier at the mercy of climate change. When you embrace the freedom of your bare body, you will also know the freedom of ultralight backpacking. If you are the modest type, I would recommend starting off slow. Consider going commando at first, and then remove more clothing over subsequent backpacking trips.
Weight Savings: Freedom and liberation
14. Hire Someone to Carry All Your Crap For You.
These are ultralight backpacking tips for the wealthier among us, but if the funds are available, hire a butler who is willing to carry all your heavy crap for you. If you have cash left over, I recommend hiring an additional servant who will pack in the margarita machine. Outsource your work load to those less fortunate than you.
Truth be told, an entire industry of outdoor professionals exists just to serve clientele like yourself. They are your outdoor guides, and they often come at a premium. But a twenty-something liberal arts graduate from a regular old guide service will not know the more intimate parts of your personal life, such as caring for your bunyons, and making your Martini shaken, not stirred.
Weight Savings: Jeeves
15. Charge your Devices By Climbing Up to The Highest, Most Exposed Point in a Lightning Storm, and Holding Them to the Sky.
Solar panels and their batteries are both heavy and expensive. So what does the ultralight backpacker do when they need to text their landlady? Well, it’s a little known fact that Mother Nature can supply the electrical boost you need to keep posting sweet photos to your instagram account. Thunderstorms, when they do eventually roll in, typically occur in the afternoon, so plan your device usage around these times. When the rain starts falling, and the clouds start thundering, simply scramble up to the nearest exposed high point, and get ready to receive nature’s sweet power boost. To get more juice from the heavens, attach your chosen device to the end of your metal trekking poles.
Weight Savings: Elon Musk
16. Consider Getting Rid of Some of Your More Redundant Organs.
When I was a young lad, a rumor was spread that the musician Marilyn Manson once removed his bottom ribs. This rumor was likely the result of schoolyard naivete, and was probably not true. Never the less, the true ultralight backpacker will have the same amount of dedication to their craft. Of all of the ultralight backpacking tips, this is one for the less squeamish among us. Dig out your Leatherman and get to work. Here’s a quick reference list for the organs that you don’t necessarily need to survive. Reduce redundancy, and cut weight today!
- Kidneys(1)-They clean your blood, but rumor has it that you only need one to survive. Find a black market to sell it to, so you can put that money towards a fancy cuben fiber sweat sponge.
- Eye(1)-Remove an eye. An eyeball is mostly water, meaning that it’s heavy as all get out. Removing an eye may impact your depth perception, but at least you’ll get to wear a cool eyepatch and get a nifty trail name like “Patchy”, or something.
- Nose-In my opinion, your nose is a pointless protrusion from an otherwise perfect face. Get rid of that snoz and let your true beauty shine through. Plus, it’s less surface area that needs sunscreen.
- Fingernails-What good are fingernails? All they do is trap dirt, and grow into hard little annoying spikes that make it all the more difficult to pick up the lucky pennies that you find on the floor.
- Ears– Vincent Van Gogh is History’s greatest painter. Known for his groundbreaking impressionistic works, such as Starry Night and Irises, Van Gogh is also famous for his hobby of self mutilation. During a hospital stay, Van Gogh took it upon himself to remove his own ear. Why the good artist chose to remove his ear may forever be a mystery, but even people who are not familiar with his work know him for his missing ear. The moral of this story? Remove your ear and secure your place in the history books as the lightest of all ultralight backpackers.
I might suggest donating your organs to Medical Science. There are sick children in the developing world who need depth perception more than you do, Mr. Fancy Two Eyed Backpacker Guy.
Weight Savings: 1 serving of Absinthe (prepared)
17. Be Dehydrated More Often, and Become a Raisin
Riddle me this: A grape left out in the hot sun will dry up and become a raisin, but what will happen to the raisin if left in the sun? Nothing! A raisin will stay a raisin, and raisins are delicious. Be a raisin, and forsake water on your next hike.
Anyone with a little modicum of common sense will tell you that dehydration is bad for you, and that you should be drinking plenty of liquids throughout the day. Well, that’s only what doctors will tell you, and what good are they with their fancy pieces of paper and thousands of hours of medical training? After all, modern medicine brought us Botox, Tanning Beds, and Adolf Hitler, so why should we trust the hospital people? Drink less water, and become a delicious raisin.
As we all know, water can often become the heaviest part of your pack. In fact, a single liter of water can weigh up to 10,000 pounds. Compare that to a box of raisins, which only weighs an ounce, and you’ll quickly understand why more and more hikers are cutting weight with the raisin technique.
Weight Savings: About a bajillion pounds of heavy H2O.
There you have it. This is my list of tried and true ultralight backpacking tips. You will save money, time, and weight by using these tips, and impress all of your backpacking friends.
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