10 Signs that You Have a Bad Belayer
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In the sport of Rock Climbing, the belayer holds a sacred responsibility. The focus is always on the leader, but rarely on the belayer. Yet, the belayer is always there, patiently upholding the life and actions of their climber. These unsung heroes sit there, craning their necks, protecting their compatriots from devastation and tragedy.
Anyone can learn to belay, but few take the time to learn to be good belayers. These masters of slack, these vanguards from gravity are a rare breed. Bad belayers are much more common. Their attention drifts, and they don’t know a grigri from a hip belay. As climbers, we do not always get the perfect catches, nor freedom from short roping.
In an effort to further educate and assist the greater climbing community, I’ve outlined 10 Signs that You Have a Bad Belayer. If your belayer exhibits one or more of these signs, heed extra caution. If you yourself fall into any of these categories, take a good look at your belaying habits.
1. Your Belayer is a Shark
Before you let anyone belay you, it is wise to give them a cursory look over, just to ensure that they are up to snuff. First, check their teeth. Do they have several rows of sharp, serrated teeth? Do they have gills? Are their eyes black, like a dolls eyes? Is Jaws their favorite movie? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, your belayer might actually be a shark.
I can’t really recommend letting a shark belay you. I don’t have anything against sharks, but shark-related-belaying-related accidents have been on the rise. There are a few unique aspects of shark physiology that makes them inept as belayers. First, their are no harnesses specifically designed for sharks, meaning that they have to awkwardly squeeze into a human harness. Sharks are also prone to getting dizzy at altitude, leaving you with a complaining, cranky partner.
If you insist on having a sea creature as a climbing partner, make sure that they are AAMGA (Aquatic American Mountain Guide Association) certified. The AAMGA offers climbing course tailored to turtles, octopi, and some species of shark.
2. They insist on tying in with hundreds of strands of cooked spaghetti that has been tied together.
The Spaghetti Rope idea is an old climbing myth that just needs to go away. Too many climbers decide to repurpose their lunch leftovers into climbing rope, and it makes for an unsafe climbing practice. Spaghetti has long been replaced by modern Kernmantle ropes, which are, by all metrics, much safer.
Don’t be fooled by stubborn old hard men. Leading on the Sharp End Al Dente as they call it, is downright misleading, primitive, and risky. Be weary of any food grade climbing material, including Twizzlers, Red Vines, Asparagus, and slung Brussels Sprouts.
3. Your Belayer has been Replaced by a Cardboard cut out.
As it sometimes happens, we find ourselves getting chased. Maybe it’s by the cops, or a Scooby Doo style pirate ghost because you stole his gold. Whatever the case, you sometimes need to employ trickery to evade your would be captors. When the classic smoke screen, and oil spill tricks don’t work, the next best thing is to employ the cardboard cut out.
If you are cruxing out on your project, and you look down only to find that you are now being belayed by a suspiciously flat looking Shaquille O’Neill, it may be that your belayer has taken temporary leave. Put in a piece, or clip a bolt to go in direct, and have patience. Your belayer will surely be back to get you off the wall. In the mean time, they are most likely hiding beneath a pile of crash pads.
If you have a regular partner, and you find that they repeatedly employ the cardboard trick, it may be worth having a chat with them. Let them know that you can’t have both a mischief maker, and an attentive belayer.
4. They Have Feet Where Their Hands Should Be, and Hands Where Their Feet Should Be
Take a look at your belayer. Are they wearing boots at the end of their arms? Do they walk on all fours? If so, be weary of this belayer, for they may have their feet and hands mixed up. Before you tie in, make sure that your belayer has their feet and hands in their respective anatomically correct locations. Otherwise, they may have trouble operating a belay device. It’s true that foot operated belay devices have recently been introduced onto the market, but certain design elements still have a ways to go.
5. You Let MC Escher Belay You
MC Escher was a prominent Dutch artist, known for creating interesting,mind bending works of art. He liked to make pictures of stairs that went upside down, fish that turned into other shapes, and other things non-Euclidean. If you find yourself in front of an MC Escher work, it is exceedingly easy to get entrapped. The shapes and dimensions of his creations will keep you scratching your head. That being said, DO NOT, under any circumstances, let MC Escher Belay you.
Escher does not see like us. His quirky artist brain contorts the light that his eyes take in. He will think you’re climbing a roof, when you’re actually sketching out on slab. He may begin to think that you’re turning into a bird. MC Escher cannot give you good catches. On the contrary, he gives nothing but bad catches. If you see MC Escher in the gym, at the crag, or on the mountain, steer clear, and politely let this artist know that his time is best spent in his studio. Just say no to Escher.
6. Your Belayer Wears Belay Glasses Upside Down
Long gone are the days of craning your neck, staring up at a distant climber. Nowadays, you can buy a pair of funny looking belay glasses. Now, instead of a sore neck, you can look like you have robot eyes.
Like the invention of the beer coozy, belay glasses have helped many climbers to improve their experience at the crag. They’re a good, albeit goofy looking idea. Before you let anyone belay you while sporting a pair of these, make sure they read the manufacturer’s directions for use. When worn upside down, belaying suddenly becomes much more difficult. Do not feel that you are intruding when you right your belayer’s wrongs.
7. Despite Your Protestations, Your Belayer Insists on Using Echo Location
Echo Location-the practice of using sound waves to identify objects in the immediate environment, is a tactic employed by many animals to locate prey. Bats use it to scout out bugs, and dolphins use sound to find delicious fish. Less commonly, it is used by humans to get a better lay of their environment when sight does not avail itself.
Human echo location is not quite as effective as animal echo location. Bats and dolphins can be highly precise, whereas humans only get a very rough sketch of their immediate vicinity. If you have a belayer who can see perfectly well, and they still insist on using echo location while belaying you, then get a new belayer. You will hear your belayer making clicking noises in your upward direction, trying to read the sound waves that bounce back. Sound wave beta is usually pretty bad.
8. Their Day Job is A Cowboy and They Try To Lasso You When You Tell Them To Take
Who hasn’t had this problem at the crag? Picture this: your belayer sits on horseback, they wear a ten gallon hat, and their chaps are ass less. They just got in from the high plains after wrangling cattle, and they want to relax at the crag. Well, pard’ner, looks like you your Belayer is a cow poke.
Cowboys can make for okay belayers. They are not belaying masters, but they’re not horrible either. Rather, cowboys (and girls) have a weird, yet rare tendency to treat you like a wild stallion rather than a climber. There is a small chance that a cowpoke may try to lasso you when you need a rest. Instead of taking in slack, you may find yourself hanging there, lasso’ed and hogtied.
In this instance, do not chastise your belayer too badly. They can’t help it. They chose to assume the mythic, stereotyped image of an old west cowpoke, and they knew of all the quirks that come with it. Instead, calmly unwrap yourself, get back on the wall, and resume climbing. Don’t be too mean about getting roped like a steer. Cowboys are sensitive folk, and you may hurt their feelings.
9. They Make You Sign a Waiver Before they Belay You
This is a big red flag right here. If a belayer makes you sign a waiver before they belay you, then that could indicate that they do not feel competent in their own belaying skills. They are protecting themselves from lawsuit from you, or your next of kin.
If they have their attorney present, be sure to take a good, long look at the fine print. You may be signing away your first born child, or worse. Better yet, be sure to lawyer up yourself. In fact, it’s probably best to have every crag and gym come equipped with an in house lawyer to help mediate such disputes.
Idea: Reel Rock should just switch genres to outdoor themed Legal Dramas.
10. To Them, a “Soft Catch” is a Marketing Slogan for Toilet Paper
You can find Soft Catch Toilet Paper wherever climbing ropes are sold.
Related: The Features You Should Look For When Buying New Climbing Shoes
The 16 Unspoken Rules of Gym Climbing
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